El Hubiera No Existe, No Such thing as "If-I-Had"

When things don’t go the way you want, it feels like you replay every instance in your mind. At least I do, I question every part of it in search of what I did wrong or what I could have done differently to have made the situation better. My mom always says, “El hubiera no existe.” Translation: “There's no "If-I-had." It is better to embrace reality, rather than wonder how a situation COULD have resulted. This was how I felt for a while about Xavi. I was guilty and upset at first but as we all now, “No hay mal que dure cien años, ni pendejo que lo aguante.” Translation: “There is no evil that lasts 100 years or idiot who will willingly endure it.” Basically, I got over it... LOL

Anyway back to where I left off. So after the first time we hung out we were together almost everyday. He would text me asking where I was; If I was on campus we would meet up or go get coffee. Xavi said he didn’t even like coffee which is funny because that is where we went the majority of the time. I figured we went because he knew I am like addicted. Anyway, we hung out almost every day and he would come to my house for dinner or just to hang out for a bit and catch a break from school... One day when he came for dinner he said that like me, his ex used to cook for him too. I really didn’t know what to reply so I just kind of blew it off... I enjoyed his company and I felt he enjoyed mine (he also did say it ALL the time) I mean we would hang out doing practically nothing in the kitchen of my house until like 3 am sometimes. That sounds like someone that likes being around you right? My friends all saw us together and figured we were seeing each other and I mean I always denied it but there is a part of me that feels we were. (Reason why he is included here) We were friends but he had told me he thought I was pretty along with other things here and there. He said I wasn’t like other girls he had met. I know! Guys say that ALL the time to girls but coming from him I felt it meant something. Nothing ever happened between us, no kissing, holding hands, it was strictly platonic. Everything was going great, we were getting to know each other and having fun and I wouldn’t change any of that. Even to this day, I wouldn’t because I know that regardless of what happened between us he is a good guy (or I would like to think that he is). Then spring break came along. I was going to Mexico for about two weeks and he told me he was going back home. I was super excited to go to Mexico. I looked forward to this break because school was definitely stressing me out.

The day I leave comes around and I am very excited. I text Xavi until the very last minute before boarding my plane and flying thousands and thousands of miles away. I had a weird feeling about leaving. By now I was kind of used to Xavi being part of my daily ritual. Work- School- Xavi- Hw- Xavi... But I was definitely not going to let a guy bring me down! I had a blast in Mexico City. We went all over to Xochimilco, el Centro, Chapultepec, and we even got to visit Michoacan. I actually wish I was there now. I <3 el DF. After playing around with my phone in the wifi I realized my phone still worked. I received and replied to text messages and I was very excited to be able to write to Xavi. He was actually the second person I texted after I wrote my best friend E. However, with his response he didn’t sound very excited to hear from me, which kind of bummed me out. I told myself it would be different when I got home because of course, you cannot read emotions through a text message. I disregarded it. I kept having fun visiting museums and spending time with my family in general. It was amazing. So one day while the day to return drew close I was on Instagram and he posted a picture with his ex girl friend who was from back home. It kind of all made sense from there on... They must of gotten back together.

I arrived in my college town ready for the new quarter. I was very excited to start this quarter because it was the last before summer break! I told myself I was not going to text him. I was not going to be that girl that would get between a couple. I definitely was not interested in being a homewrecker. I wanted out the moment I saw he was interested in being back with her. At this point I was really decided to break all ties with Xavi. Then I got a text from him asking if I was back and asking to hang out. I sat there wondering “WHAT THE HECK.” Why would we hang out? He has a girlfriend which I am sure would not be okay with this, considering that I liked him. Then I stopped and told myself. No. We are just friends, I cannot stop hanging out with him just because he got back with her. The was what we agreed on, just friends. At this point nothing was confirmed. He never mentioned they were together again so I told myself that it may have not even worked out. I text him back and we hung out later that night.

This goes on for weeks. We hang out, we flirt, we spend hours together... He tells me things and the whole time he does I think “why is he telling me this, if he is back with her.” I never told him I knew... I guess I was afraid. He was a really good guy and he was a lot of fun and we got into a lot of shenanigans together. I didn’t want to lose that. I guess another part of me also hoped he would ditch his girl and pick me. But I was not counting on that. I moved with caution and tried to build a barrier because a part of me knew that it would end bad if I fell for him. Despite all I did, I grew attached to Xavi. I mean who wouldn’t. I felt cariño for him. (translation: affection) Plus he was very thoughtful he would go out of his way to do nice things for me.(Its nice to feel appreciated) Then one day it all blew over. We were in class and he had asked me where I was. I was running late that day and to my surprise he was all dressed up wearing slacks, tie and everything. I txt him “where are you going looking all fresh?” He replied something along the lines of, “I am getting married today.” I thought it was funny. I went along with it of course and replied “Wow poor girl, no party or anything...What a bad Fiance.” So it hit me and I thought now was time to confront him. So I did. I asked him, “So who are you marrying?” He took a while to reply, almost as if he knew that text would just change everything. He said “You know...” I replied, “So what is her name?” Then it all came out. He had gotten back with her a while back. They were back together and he loved her. I was not hurt, I was bummed out but I knew, had I not already known they were back together it may have been a different story... He admitted to leading me on and he said he was sorry... “Thats great... you are sorry,” I told myself. It doesn’t change anything.

As I wrote in my previous blog about the three dating types, Xavi was the type of guy that could not be alone. I felt sort of like her replacement. I reminded him of her and I was there for him only in the meantime until she got over it and came back. I did not mind being there for him because a breakup is a very hard time and because I considered him, above all, my friend. I had been in his situation before and I knew that at first without her he must have felt kind of on his own. The making up and breaking up drama is the worst and when we were friends I explained to him that it was not worth it. When trust is loss and someone fucks up it is very difficult to fix things. Might as well move on. If a couple decides to give themselves another shot at the relationship, both must agree that each others mistakes will NEVER (under any circumstance) be brought up again. Once something is forgiven in a relationship it must be forgotten or else it will not work. I also believe that after a breakup it is absurd to get back together. When I make a decision, I stick to it. I think it is very unreasonable to make a decision and after the time effort and consideration put into it, go back on that decision. Going back on my decisions is doubting myself and my choices.

Xavi and I tried being “friends.” Which we were to begin with so I still don’t understand why he proposed that...Anyway. I know what you are thinking, why did you stay friends with him?! My answer is I don’t know. I swore he was a good guy. However, my perception of him completely changed after one afternoon when Xavi was drunk out of his mind and we ran into each other. Drunk words are sober thoughts, they say. Maybe. In front of my friends and my brother he made a scene saying he wanted to fix things between us. He apologized over and over. I didn’t want to talk about it he was too drunk. He said no that we had to talk about it then and there. Yet, instead of making things better the way he intended he made things worst. After that day, for a long time Xavi tried talking to me. He tried sending me texts, talking to me in class, tried offering to hang out, but I just rejected the whole idea of us being friends. I told him it wasn’t a good idea that his girlfriend wouldn’t approve if she knew about us... He was still with her but that didn't change much. Which leaves me wondering how much he cared about her...

Xavi is a great guy he is just infatuated with the idea of a relationship that was once ideal. I may be wrong but I think he liked me. We never really got into that very much. We were too focused on being friends and having fun with each other to talk about how we felt about each other. Maybe he didn't like me and he just felt my company eased his hurt from the break up a little. Who knows. I mean we enjoyed each others company and we knew that. Everyone tells me they saw us being good together. Perhaps. Who knows right... I think that what bugs me the most is that I was in Xavi’s place once. I gave up on a great opportunity with a guy that was completely worth my time to get back with my ex boyfriend who I only wasted years with. I think what makes me mad about Xavi isn’t that he led me on but that, like me, we knew there was something there and chose the relationship we knew, the relationship that was broken. Rather than choosing one that may have had a future and could have meant something. I am not mad at him! I actually thank him because of him I am able to see how dumb I acted when I was with my ex boyfriend. Xavi was my Karma.